willpower 思维导图模板_ProcessOn思维导图、流程图

Factors that WEAKen the willpower

Too much self-control

terrified

death

feeling bad

Stress

eating healthy

doing good

Reminders of our mortality

Guilt and self-criticism

What the hell

loss of biodiversity

harnessing the three powers of I will, I won’t, and I want， to help you achieve your goals (and stay out of trouble)

the ability to control the impulses that helped us become fully human.

People who have better control of their attention, emotions, motivation,and actions are better off almost any way you look at it.

happier and healthier

Their relationships are more satisfying and last longer.

They make more money and go further in their careers

They are better able to manage stress, deal with conflict, and overcome adversity

They even live longer.

1-What willpower is and why it matters

self-control

I won't power

I have trouble saying no when my mouth, stomach, heart, or (fill in your anatomical part) wants to say yes

resisting temptation

spending too much, eating too much, wasting time, and losing our tempers

holding you back from following every impulse or craving

I will power

The ability to do what you need to do, even if part of you doesn’t want to.

It helps you start and stick to boring, difficult, or stressful tasks,

I want power

ability to remember what you really want.

when you’re facing temptation

flirting with procrastination

keeps track of your goals and your desires

two minds

the version of us that acts on impulse and seeks immediate gratification

the version of us that controls our impulses and delays gratification to protect our long-term goals

THE FIRST RULE OF WILLPOWER: KNOW THYSELF

To have more self-control, you first need to develop more self-awareness.

When your mind is preoccupied, your impulses—not your long-term goals—will guide your choices.

Trying to keep track of your choices will also reduce the number of decisions you make while distracted—a guaranteed way to boost your willpower.

TRAIN YOUR BRAIN FOR WILLPOWER

Some parts of the brain grow denser, packing in more and more gray matter like a muscle bulking up from exercise.

meditate

at a wide range of self-control skills, including attention, focus, stress management, impulse control, and self-awareness

meditation increases blood flow to the prefrontal cortex,

reduces stress and teaches the mind how to handle both inner distractions (cravings, worries, desires) and outer temptations (sounds, sights, and smells)

5 MIN brain-training MEDITATION

Sit still and stay put

Turn your attention to the breath

Notice how it feels to breathe, and notice how the mind wanders.

Focus on your breath using the words “inhale” and “exhale” in your mind. When your mind wanders, notice, and bring it back to the breath.

Meditation is not about getting rid of all your thoughts,Don’t worry if your focus isn’t perfect when meditating. Just practice coming back to the breath, again and again.

2-The Willpower Instinct

Your Body Was Born to Resist Cheesecake

self-control is a matter of physiology, not just psychology

It’s a temporary state of both mind and body that gives you the strength and calm to override your impulses and self-destructive urges

tiger and the cheesecake

derail your goal to live a long and healthy life

critically different threats

Tiger(external threat)

physiologically instinct

fight-or-flight stress response

is an energy-management instinct

It decides how you are going to spend your limited physical and mental energy

heart pounding, jaw clenching, senses on high alert

Stress hormones were released from your adrenal glands

Energy—in the form of fats and sugar—was released into your bloodstream from your liver.

respiratory system got your lungs pumping to fuel the body with extra oxygen

Your cardiovascular system kicked into high gear to make sure the energy in your bloodstream would get to the muscles doing the fighting or the fleeing

psychology

didn’t get in the body’s way.

focused your attention and senses on the saber-toothed tiger and your surroundings

The alarm system also prompted a complex change in the area of the brain in charge of impulse control

The rational, wise, and deliberative prefrontal cortex is effectively put to sleep—the better to make sure you don’t chicken out or overthink your escape

cheesecake(internal conflict)

PAUSE AND PLAN

The perception of an internal conflict triggers changes in the brain and body that help you slow down and control your impulses.

mentionning self-control, The most helpful response will be to slow you down, not speed you up (as a fight-or-flight response does)

The pause-and-plan response drives you in the opposite direction of the fight-or-flight response.

your heart slows down, and your blood pressure stays normal

gives you the time for more flexible, thoughtful action

HRV（heart rate variability）

under stress

parasympathetic nervous system steps in

Heart rate goes up

variability goes down

contributing to the physical feelings of anxiety or anger that accompany the fight-or-flight response

exert self-control

sympathetic nervous system takes over

Heart rate goes down

variability goes up

it contributes to a sense of focus and calm

body’s “reserve” of willpower

a physiological measure of your capacity for self-control

high HRV

better at ignoring distractions, delaying gratification, and dealing with stressful situations

less likely to give up on difficult tasks, even when they initially fail or receive critical feedback

have more willpower available for whenever temptation strikes

meditation

Slowing the breath down

activates the prefrontal cortex and increases heart rate variability

make you more resilient to stress and build your willpower reserve

improve self-control and decrease the stress of cops, stock traders, and customer service operators—three of the most stressful jobs on the planet.

gave them a sense of control over their mind and body

helped them find the courage they needed in difficult situations

Train your mind and your body

improve a wide set of willpower saboteurs, including depression, anxiety, chronic pain, cardiovascular disease, and diabetes

treatment for enhancing self-control

THE FIVE-MINUTE GREEN WILLPOWER FILL-UP

the biggest mood-boosting, stress-busting effects came from five-minute doses of exercise

 “green exercise” decreases stress, improves mood, enhances focus, and boosts self-control.

SLEEP

When you’re tired

 your cells have trouble absorbing glucose from the bloodstream

leaves them underfueled

you exhausted

With your body and brain desperate for energy

you’ll start to crave sweets or caffeine

prefrontal cortex

that energy-hungry area of the brain

bears the brunt of this personal energy crisis

after impaired

loses control over other regions of the brain.

sleep deprivation creates a disconnection

The body gets stuck in a physiological fight-or-flight state

with the accompanying high levels of stress hormones and decreased heart rate variability

more stress and less self-control

THE COSTS OF TOO MUCH SELF-CONTROL

trying to control every aspect of your thoughts, emotions, and behavior is a toxic strategy. It is too big a burden for your biology

when self-control becomes chronic and unrelenting

We need time to recover from the exertion of self-control

Stress is the enemy of willpower

terrorist attacks

flu epidemics

environmental disasters

drinking

smoking

smoking more cigarettes and giving up attempts to quit

drug use

indulging in unhealthy foods

sleep-deprived

obesity rates have soared

natural disasters

unemployment

near economic collapse

3-Self-control is like a muscle(metaphorical)

Too Tired to Resist

Once exhausted, you are left defenseless against temptation—or at least disadvantaged

Modern life is full of self-control demands that can drain your willpower

THE MUSCLE MODEL OF SELF-CONTROL

people’s self-control deteriorated over time

A concentration task didn’t just lead to worse attention over time

it depleted physical strength

Controlling emotions didn’t just lead to emotional outbursts

it made people more willing to spend money on something they didn’t need

act of willpower depletes willpower

using self-control can lead to losing control

both overcome willpower exhaustion and increase your self- control strength

PUT  FIRST THING FIRST

WHY IS SELF-CONTROL LIMITED?

Could willpower exhaustion simply be the result of the brain running out of energy

It appeared as if self-control was draining the body of energy, and this energy loss was weakening self-control.

Low blood sugar levels turn out to predict a wide range of willpower failures

running low on energy biases us to be the worst versions of ourselves

giving participants a sugar boost turns them back into the best versions of themselves: more persistent and less impulsive; more thoughtful and less selfish.

Why, then, does the brain’s increased energy consumption during self- control seem to deplete willpower so quickly

When the brain detects a drop in available energy,

it gets a little nervous

It will keep itself on a tight energy budget

unwilling to spend its full supply of energy

The first expense to be cut? Self-control, one of the most energy- expensive tasks the brain performs.

To conserve energy,

the brain may become reluctant to give you the full mental resources you need to resist temptation, focus your attention, or control your emotions.

 low-glycemic diet

helps you keep your blood sugar steady

lean proteins, nuts and beans, high-fiber grains and cereals, and most fruits and vegetables

basically, food that looks like its natural state and doesn’t have a ton of added sugar, fat, and chemicals

TRAINING THE WILLPOWER MUSCLE

using your self-control muscle may be tiring, but over time, the workout should make it stronger

committing to any small, consistent act of self-control can increase overall willpower

while these small self-control exercises may seem inconsequential, they appear to improve the willpower challenges we care about most, including focusing at work, taking good care of our health, resisting temptation, and feeling more in control of our emotions.

When you’re trying to make a big change or transform an old habit, look for a small way to practice self-control that strengthens your willpower, but doesn’t overwhelm it completely.

a difference between what is difficult and what is impossible

our bodies give up

they literally cannot keep working.

Fatigue was muscle failure, pure and simple:

The muscles run out of energy stores

They can’t take in enough oxygen to metabolize the energy they have

The pH level of the blood becomes too acidic or too alkaline

exercise fatigue

might be caused not by muscle failure

but by an overprotective monitor in the brain that wanted to prevent exhaustion.

Physical exhaustion was a trick played on the body by the mind

The brain,

sensing an increased heart rate and rapidly depleting energy supply

literally puts the brakes on the body.

At the same time, the brain creates an overwhelming feeling of fatigue that has little to do with the muscles’ capacity to keep working.

Fatigue should no longer be considered a physical event but rather a sensation or emotion

These athletes recognize that the first wave of fatigue is never a real limit, and with sufficient motivation, they can transcend it.

we just need to muster up the motivation to use it.

self-control is limited may reflect people’s beliefs about willpower, not their true physical and mental limits.

we can push past the feeling of willpower exhaustion to make it to the finish line of our own willpower challenges

WHEN THERE’S A WANT, THERE’S A WILL

When your willpower is running low, find renewed strength by tapping into your want power.

For your biggest willpower challenge, consider the following motivations:

How will you benefit from succeeding at this challenge?

What is the payoff for you personally? Greater health, happiness, freedom, financial security, or success?

Who else will benefit if you succeed at this challenge?

How does your behavior influence your family, friends, coworkers, employees or employer, and community? How would your success help them?

Imagine that this challenge will get easier for you over time if you are willing to do what is difficult now.

When you find your biggest want power

the thing that gives you strength when you feel weak

bring it to mind whenever you find yourself most tempted to give in or give up.

while we can find strength in our motivation when we feel weak, we can also look for ways to help our tired selves make good choices.

 pushing our limits but also pacing ourselves

4-License to Sin: Why Being Good Gives Us Permission to Be Bad

the limits of self-control

under tremendous pressure

self-control muscles were exhausted

their willpower drained

their blood sugar low

their prefrontal cortices shriveling up in protest

In some cases, we are the victims of our own self-control success

how progress can paradoxically undermine our motivation

 how optimism can give us a license to indulge

why feeling good about our virtue is the fastest path to vice

giving in is a choice, and not an inevitable one

By seeing how we give ourselves permission

we can also discover how to keep ourselves on track.

 When it comes to right and wrong,

most of us are not striving for moral perfection. We just want to feel good enough—which then gives us permission to do whatever we want.

moral licensing

When you do something good

you feel good about yourself.

This means you’re more likely to trust your impulses

which often means giving yourself permission to do something bad

simply let the glow of their earlier good behavior blind them to the harm of their decisions.

Most people don’t question their impulses when they’re feeling virtuous,some people’s positions permanently remind them of their virtue

Whenever we have conflicting desires, being good gives us permission to be a little bit bad.

we’re quick to view self-indulgence as the best reward for virtue

we forget our real goals and give in to temptation.

Anything that makes us feel warm and fuzzy about our virtue

even just thinking about doing something good

can license us to follow our impulses

Don’t mistake a goal-supportive action for the goal itself.

a willpower challenge involves two conflicting goals

long-term interests

How committed do you feel to your goal?

I did that because I wanted to

ask why they had resisted the temptation

immediate gratification

 need your higher self to argue more loudly than the voice of self-indulgence

How much progress do you feel you have made on your goal?

I did that, great, now I can do what I really want!

remember a time they turned down a temptation,

self-control success has an unintended consequence

It temporarily satisfies

therefore silences

the higher self

goal liberation

The goal you’ve been suppressing with your self-control is going to become stronger

and any temptation will become more tempting

pause and remember the why

WHEN TOMORROW LICENSES TODAY

Sometimes the mind gets so excited about the opportunity to act on a goal

it mistakes that opportunity with the satisfaction of having actually accomplished the goal

when you are looking at a special menu that includes some healthy new products, you are more likely to give yourself permission to order the most artery-clogging, waist-expanding, and life-span-shortening thing on the menu

We wrongly but persistently expect to make different decisions tomorrow than we do today

Such optimism licenses us to indulge today

especially if we know we will have the opportunity to choose differently in the near future

Nevertheless, they felt much less guilt over that initial indulgent choice when they thought they could make up for it later

indulge today, change tomorrow

When you want to change a behavior,

 aim to reduce the variability in your behavior, not the behavior itself. 

Do I really want the consequences of always putting this off?”

THE HALO EFFECT

When we want permission to indulge, we’ll take any hint of virtue as a justification to give in.

health halo

We feel so good about ordering something healthy, our next indulgence doesn’t feel sinful at all.

calorie-negating effect

whenever something indulgent is paired with something more virtuous

Do you give yourself permission to indulge in something by focusing on its most virtuous quality?

THE RISKS OF GOING GREEN

license self-sabotaging behavior

identify with the goal itself, not the halo glow we get from being good

who is the real you

the part of you who wants to pursue the goal, or the part of you who needs to be controlled?

5-The Brain’s Big Lie: Why We Mistake Wanting for Happiness

RAT EXPERIMENT:The pleasure center of the brain（which actually is the reward system）

That rat wasn’t experiencing bliss—it was experiencing desire.

provides a fascinating window into our own experience of cravings, temptation, and addiction.

THE PROMISE OF REWARD

stimulating wasn’t rewarding them with the experience of profound pleasure, but simply promising them the experience of pleasure

the rats were self-stimulating because their brains were telling them that if they just pressed that lever one more time, something wonderful was going to happen

Do this again! This will make you feel good

Every stimulation encouraged the rat to seek more stimulation, but the stimulation itself never brought satisfaction.

Dopamin

captive\compulsively

manipulate the reward system to keep players hooked

The promise that the next level or big win could happen at any time is what makes a game compelling.

When dopamine puts our brains on a reward-seeking mission, we become the most risk-taking, impulsive, and out-of-control version of ourselves

get hooked by the promise of reward.

Importantly, even if the reward never arrives, the promise of reward—combined with a growing sense of anxiety when we think about stopping—is enough to keep us hooked.

THE RISE OF NEUROMARKETING

When dopamine is released by one promise of reward, it also makes you more susceptible to any other kind of temptation.

PUTTING DOPAMINE TO WORK

Since it’s unlikely we’ll ever outlaw the promise of reward, we might as well put it to good use.

An unpleasant chore can be made more appealing by introducing a reward.

fish bowl.

Our reward system gets much more excited about a possible big win than a guaranteed smaller reward, and it will motivate us to do whatever provides the chance to win.

If there’s something you’ve been putting off because it’s so unpleasant, can you motivate yourself by linking it to something that gets your dopamine neurons firing?

THE DARK SIDE OF DOPAMINE

promise of reward can be as stressful as it is delightful

To motivate you to seek the object of your craving, the reward system actually has two weapons

a carrot 

the promise of reward

a stick

dopamine triggers the release of stress hormones

WE MISTAKE THE PROMISE OF REWARD FOR HAPPINESS

Test the promise of reward with a temptation that you regularly indulge in because your brain tells you it will make you happy.

he most common choices in my class are snack foods, shopping, television, and online time-wasters from e-mail to poker

the promise of reward feels like: the anticipation, the hope, the excitement, the anxiety, the salivation

you’re left frustrated, unsatisfied, disappointed, ashamed, tired, sick, or simply no happier than when you started.

observations can give you greater control over what has felt like an out-of-control behavior.

THE IMPORTANCE OF DESIRE

A life without wants may not require as much self-control—but it’s also not a life worth living.

depression

without pleasure

a series of habits with no expectation of satisfaction

hey may eat, shop, socialize, and have sex, but they don’t anticipate pleasure from these activities.

an underactive reward system contributes to the biological basis of depression

the reward system can’t sustain activation, even in the face of immediate reward

It produces the loss of desire and motivation that many people who are depressed experience.

THE PARADOX OF REWARD

The promise of reward doesn’t guarantee happiness

but no promise of reward guarantees unhappiness

Listen to the promise of reward

we give in to temptation

Without the promise of reward

we have no motivation.

We live in a world of technology, advertisements, and twenty-four-hour opportunities that leave us always wanting and rarely satisfied.

If we are to have any self-control, we need to separate the real rewards that give our lives meaning from the false rewards that keep us distracted and addicted.

we may find just enough clarity in moments of temptation to not believe the brain’s big lie.

Desire is the brain’s strategy for action.

it can be both a threat to self-control and a source of willpower

When dopamine points us to temptation, we must distinguish wanting from happiness.

we can also recruit dopamine and the promise of reward to motivate ourselves and others

Our brains mistake the promise of reward for a guarantee of happiness, so we chase satisfaction from things that do not deliver

6-What the Hell: How Feeling Bad Leads to Giving In

WHY STRESS MAKES US WANT

The brain, it turns out, is especially susceptible to temptation when we’re feeling bad.

real-world stress increases the risk of relapse among smokers, recovering alcoholics, drug addicts, and dieters.

It’s part of the brain’s rescue mission

whenever you are under stress

stress prompts a fight-or-flight response

your brain is motivated to protect your life

your brain is going to point you toward whatever it thinks will make you happy

it wants to protect your mood

stress—including negative emotions like anger, sadness, self-doubt, and anxiety—shifts the brain into a reward-seeking state

Stress points us in the wrong direction, away from our clear-headed wisdom and toward our least helpful instincts

Procrastinators who are stressed out about how behind they are on a project will put it off even longer to avoid having to think about it.

the goal to feel better trumps the goal of self-control.

stress-relief strategies

the most effective

boost mood enhancing brain chemicals like serotonin and GABA, as well as the feel-good hormone oxytocin.

exercising or playing sports, praying or attending a religious service, reading, listening to music, spending time with friends or family, getting a massage, going outside for a walk, meditating or doing yoga, and spending time with a creative hobby

a more effective stress reliever

The least effective

releasing dopamine and relying on the promise of reward

gambling, shopping, smoking, drinking, eating, playing video games, surfing the Internet, and watching TV or movies for more than two hours.

terror management

human beings are—naturally—terrified when we think about our own deaths

it triggers a panic response in the brain

being reminded of our mortality makes us more susceptible to all sorts of temptations, as we look for hope and security in the things that promise reward and relief.

Stress triggers cravings and makes dopamine neurons even more excited by any temptation in sight

Sometimes terror management leads us not into temptation, but procrastination

THE WHAT - THE - HELL EFFECT: WHY GUILT DOESN’T WORK

The worse a person felt about how much they drank the night before, the more they drank that night and the next. The guilt was driving them back to the bottle.

describes a cycle of indulgence, regret, and greater indulgence

Any setback can create the same downward spiral

Giving in makes you feel bad about yourself, which motivates you to do something to feel better.

It’s the feelings of shame, guilt, loss of control, and loss of hope that follow the first relapse

But the thing you’re turning to for comfort can’t stop the cycle, because it only generates more feelings of guilt.

BREAKING THE WHAT-THE-HELL CYCLE

Common sense says that the message “Everyone indulges sometimes; don’t be too hard on yourself” will only give dieters permission to eat more.

self-forgiveness sounds like excuse-making that will only lead to greater self-indulgence

self-criticism is consistently associated with less motivation and worse self-control

one of the single biggest predictors of depression

which drains both “I will” power and “I want” power.

There is a wrong instinct that self-criticism is the cornerstone of self-control, and self-compassion is a slippery slope to self-indulgence

The harder they were on themselves about procrastinating the first time, the longer they procrastinated for the next exam

Forgiveness—not guilt—helped them get back on track.

yet getting rid of guilt kept the women from overindulging in the taste test

In contrast, self-compassion

being supportive and kind to yourself, especially in the face of stress and failure

is associated with more motivation and better self-control

RESOLVING TO FEEL GOOD

7-Putting the Future on Sale: The Economics of Instant Gratification

how we think about the future

Delay the gratification

Whether we look to economics, psychology, or neuroscience for an explanation

many of our problems with temptation and procrastination come back to one uniquely human problem:

The problem is not so much that we can foresee a future, but that we cannot see it clearly.

delay discounting

the longer you have to wait for a reward, the less it is worth to you

Even small delays can dramatically lower the perceived value

BLINDED BY REWARD

When you know your own triggers, putting them out of sight can keep them from tempting your mind.

When immediate gratification comes with a mandatory ten-minute delay,

The promise-of-reward system is less activated, taking away the powerful biological impulse to choose immediate gratification

bought him some extra time to cool off or at least make it more difficult to give in

WHAT’S YOUR DISCOUNT RATE?

While it’s human nature to discount future rewards, everyone has a different discount rate.

low discount rate

They cannot resist the promise of immediate gratification

high discount rate

These folks are able to keep the big reward in mind and wait for it

How big your discount rate is turns out to be a major determinant of your long-term health and success.

The reward you start with is the one you want to keep

we really don’t like to lose something we already have

When you think about a larger, future reward first and consider trading it in for a smaller, immediate reward

it registers as a loss.

when you start with the immediate reward (the $50 check in your hand) and consider the benefits of delaying gratification for a larger reward

it also feels like a loss

use this quirk of decision making to resist immediate gratification

When you are tempted to act against your long-term interests, frame the choice as giving up the best possible long-term reward for whatever the immediate gratification is.

Imagine that long-term reward as already yours. Imagine your future self enjoying the fruits of your self-control.

Then ask yourself: Are you willing to give that up in exchange for whatever fleeting pleasure is tempting you now?

NO WAY OUT: THE VALUE OF PRECOMMITMENT

a best strategy for self-control is, essentially, to burn your ships

rational self and the tempted self

Create a new default.

Make it more difficult to reverse your preferences.

find a way to eliminate the easiest route to giving in

Motivate your future self.

There is no shame in using a carrot or a stick to nudge yourself toward long-term health and happiness

MEET YOUR FUTURE SELF

We often idealize them, expecting our future selves to do what our present selves cannot manage.

when we get to the future, our ideal future self is nowhere to be found, and our same old self is left making the decisions.

WHEN YOUR FUTURE SELF IS A STRANGER

people with high future-self continuity

their circles overlap more

save more money and rack up less credit card debt

building a significantly better financial future for their future selves to enjoy

Create a Future Memory.

imagining the future helps people delay gratification

When you picture the future, the brain begins to think more concretely and immediately about the consequences of your present choices

The more real and vivid the future feels, the more likely you are to make a decision that your future self won’t regret.

Send a Message to Your Future Self.

Describe to your future self what you are going to do now to help yourself meet your long-term goals.

Imagine Your Future Self.

imagine a hoped-for future self who is committed to the change, and reaping the benefits

what pride, gratitude, or regret you will have for your past self ’s choices

A time to wait, and A time to give in

hyperopia

a fancy way of saying farsighted

a bottle of champagne

I’ll feel like I deserve to crack it open when I pass the next hurdle.

As I poured it down the sink, I vowed to never let another bottle go to waste, or another milestone go uncelebrated.

nearsighted is not good, but longsighted too much is not always fancy, try to enjoy some moment and celebrate the little success you have achieved and move on , which will give you more energy and srength to overcome harder missions.

And we need to remember that the future self who receives the consequences of our present self’s actions is, indeed, still us, and will very much appreciate the effort

Our inability to clearly see the future clearly leads us into temptation and procrastination.

8-Infected! Why Willpower Is Contagious

THE SPREAD OF AN EPIDEMIC

an obesity epidemic

Obesity was infectious

bar tabs and hangovers spread throughout the social network

there are also  evidence for the contagiousness of self-control

Both bad habits and positive change can spread from person to person like germs, and nobody is completely immune.

THE SOCIAL SELF

human mind is not one unified self, but multiple selves who compete for control.

the self who wants immediate gratification

 the self who remembers your bigger goals.

your present self

your future self

your parents, your spouse, your children, your friends, your boss, and anyone else who is a part of your everyday world.

mirror neurons

whose sole purpose is to keep track of what other people are thinking, feeling, and doing

sprinkled throughout the brain to help us understand the full range of other people’s experiences.

empathy instinct that helps us understand and respond to other people’s feelings.

MIRRORING WILLPOWER FAILURES

unintentional mimicry.

This unconscious physical mirroring seems to help people understand each other better,

also creates a sense of connection and rapport

intentionally mimic other people’s postures

make it easier to influence the person they are mirroring

The second way our social brains can lead us astray is the contagion of emotion

It’s also why television sitcoms use a laugh track

Finally,our brains can even catch temptation when we see others give in

Seeing someone else engage in your willpower challenge can put you in the mood to join them

WHEN GOALS ARE INFECTIOUS

goal contagion

another person’s behavior can activate a goal in your mind that was not currently in charge of your choices.

a willpower challenge always involves a conflict between two competing goals.

Seeing another person pursue one of these competing goals can tip the balance of power in your own mind

you can catch self-control as well as self-indulgence

STRENGTHEN YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM

counterac-tive control

When you are firmly committed to a goal

but aware that you have a conflicting goal

seeing someone do something that conflicts with your strongest goal will put your brain on high alert.

It will activate your dominant goal even more strongly and start generating strategies to help you stick with it.

you can think of it as an immune response to anything that threatens your self-control

Like a vaccine that protects you from other people’s germs

 reflecting on your own goals will reinforce your intentions and help you avoid goal contagion.

CATCHING THE GOAL TO LOSE CONTROL

When we observe evidence of other people ignoring rules and following their impulses

we are more likely to give in to any of our own impulses

Research shows that thinking about someone with good self-control can increase your own willpower

When you need a little extra willpower, bring your role model to mind

WHY PEOPLE YOU LIKE ARE MORE CONTAGIOUS THAN STRANGERS

simple contagion

one exposure is enough to infect you

complex contagion

Your relationship to that person matters.

The social epidemics spread through networks of mutual respect and liking

Social closeness matters more than geographic closeness.

ONE OF THE TRIBE

social proof

When the rest of our tribe does something, we tend to think it’s a smart thing to do

rusting the judgment of others is the glue that makes social living work.

we cannot separate ourselves from our social instincts

Just convince people it’s the habit of a group they would never want to be a member of.

a new strategy for discouraging unhealthy behavior:

Just convince people it’s the habit of a group they would never want to be a member of.

WHEN SELF-CONTROL ISN’T NORMAL

Learning that we are “normal” can even change our perception of ourselves.

the fatter we get, the thinner we feel.

When everyone gains weight, our internal standards about what is “obese” shift upward

should power

hot self-control

we think of self-control as the triumph of cool reason over hot impulses

social emotions like pride and shame have a quicker and more direct influence over our choices than rational arguments about long-term costs and benefits.

magining social acceptance or rejection can spur us to do the right thing

THE LIMITS OF SHAME

There is a fine line between the self-control benefits of anticipating a negative social emotion like shame, and the willpower-draining effects of actually feeling ashamed.

But once the deed is done, shame is more likely to inspire self-sabotage than self-control.

when the temptation is in front of you

it has no power over the promise of reward.

Once your dopamine neurons are firing,

feeling bad intensifies your desire and makes you more likely to give in.

THE POWER OF PRIDE

Pride, on the other hand, pulls through even in the face of temptation.

guilt decreases heart rate variability

our physiological reserve of willpower

Pride, on the other hand, sustains and even increases this reserve.

Buying green is a way to show others how altruistic and thoughtful we are

Without the anticipated status boost

most people will skip the opportunity to save a tree

If you believe that others are rooting for your success and keeping an eye on your behavior, you’ll be more motivated to do the right thing.

BEING KICKED OUT OF THE TRIBE

Willpower “failures” like addiction, obesity, and bankruptcy often come with a stigma in our society.

being kicked out of the tribe drains willpower

Anytime we feel excluded or disrespected, we are at greater risk for giving in to our worst impulses

enlist others in a willpower face-off

MAKE IT A GROUP PROJECT

our brains incorporate the goals, beliefs, and actions of other people into our decisions.

Our own actions influence the actions of countless other people, and each choice we make for ourselves can serve as inspiration or temptation for others.

Self-control is influenced by social proof, making both willpower and temptation contagious.

9-Don’t Read This Chapter: The Limits of “I Won’t” Power

ironic rebound

You push a thought away, and—BAM!—it boomerangs back.

explains many modern frustrations

the insomniac who finds herself more wide- awake the harder she tries to fall asleep

contributes to the Romeo and Juliet effect—the well-known psychological tendency to fall deeper in desire whenever a romance is forbidden.

WHY THOUGHT SUPPRESSION DOESN’T WORK

operator

One part of your mind will take on the job of directing your attention toward anything other than the forbidden thought

The operator relies on the brain’s system of self-control and—like all forms of effortful self-control—requires a good deal of mental resources and energy.

monitor

Another part of your mind takes on the job of looking for any evidence that you are thinking, feeling, or doing whatever you don’t want to think, feel, or do.

the monitor runs automatically and without much mental effort

Under ordinary circumstances, the operator and the monitor work in parallel.

A tired operator and an energized monitor create a problematic imbalance in the mind.

IF I THINK IT, IT MUST BE TRUE

When a thought becomes more frequent and harder to pull yourself away from,

you will naturally assume that it is an urgent message that you should pay attention to.

This cognitive bias seems to be hardwired in the human brain.

We estimate how likely or true something is by the ease with which we can bring it to mind.

Whatever fear or desire you try to push away will become more convincing and compelling.

he more you try to push away a thought, the more likely it is to fight its way back into consciousness.

it will return with more authority.

you are trying not to think about it, its reappearance seems even more meaningful.

As a result, you’re more likely to believe it is true

AVOIDING IRONIC REBOUND

an antidote to ironic rebound that is, itself, ironic:

Give up

The willingness to think what you think and feel what you feel

without necessarily believing that it is true

without feeling compelled to act on it

is an effective strategy for treating anxiety, depression, food cravings, and addiction

we’ll see that giving up control of our inner experiences gives us greater control over our outer actions.

white bears

I DON’T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY

Studies show that the more you try to suppress negative thoughts, the more likely you are to become depressed. 

The more depressed people try to block out distressing thoughts, the more depressed they get. 

This is true even when people think they have succeeded at pushing the negative thoughts away. Ironic rebound strikes again!

Trying to suppress anxiety also backfires.

People who try to suppress their fear before giving a public speech not only feel more anxious, but also have higher heart rates (and are therefore more likely to blow the big talk).

if we want to save ourselves from mental suffering, we need to make peace with those thoughts, not push them away.

THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME

social anxiety disorder

The goal is not to get rid of the anxiety and self-doubt, but to develop a trust that they can handle these difficult thoughts and feelings.

The opposite of thought suppression

is accepting the presence of the thought—not believing it

FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL, BUT DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK

hese thoughts pop up like a song that gets stuck in our heads, seemingly out of nowhere, but then is impossible to get rid of.

Then shift your attention to what you are feeling in your body.

imagine the thought and feelings like clouds passing through your mind and body.

and imagine the clouds dissolving or floating by

Imagine your breath as a wind that dissolves and moves the clouds effortlessly

breathing and cloud imagery

feel the heaviness and thickness of guilt, and the tightness of anger.

imagined her breath as a wind that could blow through these dark clouds.

world’s most craved substances

chocolate

people most likely to use thought suppression as a defense strategy against temptation are the most vulnerable to its unwanted effects.

THE PROBLEM WITH DIETING

dieting is a better way to gain weight than to lose it.

THE POWER OF ACCEPTANCE

embrace  our thoughts and cravings

1. Notice that you are thinking about your temptation or feeling a craving. 2. Accept the thought or feeling without trying to immediately distract yourself or argue with it. Remind yourself of the white-bear rebound effect. 3. Step back by realizing that thoughts and feelings aren’t always under your control, but you can choose whether to act on them. 4. Remember your goal. Remind yourself of whatever your commitment is, as the students reminded themselves of their agreement not to eat the Hershey’s Kisses.

THE NO-DIETING DIET

turns an “I won’t” power challenge into an “I will” power challenge.

Ending prohibition gave them more, not less, control over what they ate.

What could you do instead of the “I won’t” behavior that might satisfy the same needs?

You can get the focus off of prohibiting your bad habit by replacing it with a new (hopefully, healthier) habit.

If you weren’t doing the bad habit, what might you be doing instead?

Sometimes focusing on that missed opportunity is more motivating than trying to quit the bad habit.

Can you redefine the “I won’t” challenge so that it becomes an “I will” challenge?

If you focus on what you want to do, instead of what you don’t want to do, you sidestep the dangers of ironic rebound.

surfing the urge of( COMPLAIN\ criticize)

When they felt a strong craving, they should imagine the urge as a wave in the ocean.

It would build in intensity, but ultimately crash and dissolve

The smokers were to picture themselves riding the wave, not fighting it but also not giving in to it

You learn how to accept and handle all your difficult inner experiences, and no longer need to turn to unhealthy rewards for comfort.

stress no longer increased the risk of relapse.

help you ride out cravings without giving in.

When the urge takes hold, pause for a moment to sense your body.

You can surf the sensations of breathing—noticing how it feels to inhale and exhale—alongside the sensations of the urge.

Surfing the urge is a skill that builds with time

feel it, but don’t automatically give in

Surfing the urge is not just for addiction; it can help you handle any destructive impulse.

INNER ACCEPTANCE, OUTER CONTROL

accepting anxiety and cravings, ending restrictive dieting, and surfing the urge—teach people to give up a rigid attempt to control their inner experiences.

They offer a way to handle the biggest enemies of willpower: temptation, self-criticism, and stress

self-awareness, self-care, and remembering what matters most—are the foundation for self-control.

Trying to suppress thoughts, emotions, and cravings backfires and makes you more likely to think, feel, or do the thing you most want to avoid.

10-Final Thoughts

we are not one self, but multiple selves.

Our human nature includes both the self that wants immediate gratification, and the self with a higher purpose.

It is just as human to feel stressed, scared, and out of control as it is to find the strength to be calm and in charge of our choices.

Self-control is a matter of understanding these different parts of ourselves, not fundamentally changing who we are.

People who have the greatest self-control aren’t waging self-war. They have learned to accept and integrate these competing selves.

the power of paying attention.

It’s training the mind to recognize when you’re making a choice, rather than running on autopilot.

It’s noticing how you give yourself permission to procrastinate, or how you use good behavior to justify self-indulgence.

It’s realizing that the promise of reward doesn’t always deliver, and that your future self is not a superhero or a stranger

It’s seeing what in your world—from sales gimmicks to social proof—is shaping your behavior.

It’s staying put and sensing a craving when you’d rather distract yourself or give in.

It’s remembering what you really want, and knowing what really makes you feel better

Self-awareness is the one “self ” you can always count on to help you do what is difficult, and what matters most.

As you move forward

keep the mind-set of a scientist.

Try new things

collect your own data,

listen to the evidence

Stay open to surprising ideas

learn from both your failures and your successes

Keep what works

share what you know with others

With all our human quirks and modern temptations

this is the best we can do—but when we do it with an attitude of curiosity and self-compassion, it is more than enough.

SOLUTION

EXAMPLE

HIGHLIGHT